He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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