you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
