Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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