Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
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Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
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You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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