so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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