new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
