Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
