When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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