some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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