She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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