I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
