The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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