Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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