Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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