end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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