fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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