Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Never joke about your clitoris.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
