I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
