hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
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yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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