I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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