i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
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and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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