I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He better not be in your backpack
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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