my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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