I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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