so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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