Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just invented taco cereal.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
