Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize