you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I need to calm my uterus...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
A bitchslap is in order.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
