So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Damn victory sex feels great
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize