her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
