You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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