I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
