What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.