wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just had sex on a roof
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts