Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go