theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
