The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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