My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
