My liver just broke up with me...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
