the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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