eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
