i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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