I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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