I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
