If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it glows. i had to have it.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
