I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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