We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
