Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
