And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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