Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
