Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
