as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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