I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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