you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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