omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
