i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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